A Christian Puppy
The Young Minister
In The Beginning
A Hair Cut
Joining the Baptist Church
Email to Wrong Wife
Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven
Three Religious Truths
Hymns For All Things
Baptist Dinner for Eight
The Ever-Nagging Wife
Only The Ten Commandments
Good Morning Lord
Forgive Us Our Trespasses
Good News Bad News
Boys and Girls
Last Minute
What Does the Bible Mean
Substitute Becomes the Regular
Organist
Sense of Humor Lord
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking
down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising
"Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says,
"Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the
Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor,
the owner says, "Find Psalm 23."
The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page,
and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the
dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the
dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed,
one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down."
The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa,
puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who
had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a
new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to
be laid to rest in the new cemetery.
Not being familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and
being a
typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late.
I saw the cemetery crew in their work clothes eating lunch; but, the
hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my
tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw
the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold
them long but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my
heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen,"
"Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached just as I had been
taught: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
I
felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew seemed
impressed and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in
spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard the
elder of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything
like this before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
In The Beginning....
God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an
abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen.. And
Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said:
"I'll have one too...with sprinkles." And low and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar
from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14. So God
said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented
crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which
to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped
lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And
Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious
quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra
pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the
flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied:
"Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: " It is good." And Man and Woman went
into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created
America's lousy Health Care System.
A young
boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father
took him into his study and said to the boy,
"I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C
to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about
the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father
about using the car.
Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've
been real proud of you.
You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class
on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your
hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've
been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair
and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that
they all walked everywhere they went?
An Oklahoma cowboy walks
into a bar in Texas,
orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back
room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more. The bartender
approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug
goes flat after I draw it so it would taste
better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have
two brothers. One is in Australia, the
other is in Ireland and I'm in Texas.
When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the
days we were together. So I drink one
for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way. He orders
three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two
mugs! All the regulars take notice and
fall silent. When he comes back to the
bar for the second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment,
then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh,
no, everybody's just fine," he explains....
"It's just that my wife and I joined the
Baptist Church and obviously I had to
quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers
though."
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man
departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his
wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They
were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was
told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a
supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the
problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach
was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably
hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his
wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool
area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his
haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore
arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older
husband had died only the day before!
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family
rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of
your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought.
You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, to get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folk.
There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:...............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:.......................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:......................There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:.................Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:..............Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:.................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:.. ...............Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:...................Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn:.....................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the
Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn.....He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:......................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph........……….Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph..........Precious Memories
A
group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis, socializes, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and
Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why
don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are
poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.
So - Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back
porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every
bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to
help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy
little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized,
and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's
ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went
into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told
him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad,
but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be
there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and
we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them
calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance
was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes,
and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach. After the last one was
finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now,
and he left." They were all looking pretty weak sitting
around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,
"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!
A
man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. And while they were
there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or
you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he'd just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when
it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments." answered the lady.
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have
circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a
citation from a police officer along with
this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is
the story of a pastor who got up and announced to His congregation: "I have good
news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Sabbath School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher
asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before
a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were
many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a
vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the
delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business."
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I
Know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy,
Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
Substitute Becomes the Regular Organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting
for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find
that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll
have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The
Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ________
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!